Wind Caves 2.0

A new year in Logan presents the challenge of finding new things to entertain yourself with. When the most hoppin' place in town is the University, you can imagine the difficulty of spawning new ideas...such is my predicament.

For the moment.

This past weekend was a welcome respite from school, boredom, and agoraphobia (we mostly lock ourselves inside our apartment when not at school). My outdoorsy roommate Skadi suggested a hike on Saturday, and thus a new adventure started:

Wind Caves

Whatever happened to Wind Caves 1.0? Well let's just say that I was halfway there when I suddenly experienced prairie dogging* of the worst kind. I blame the two bowls of Honeycomb I had that morning.

As it turns out, this time was indigestion-free and we all (Skadi, Leslie, Brandon, and myself) made it to the caves with time to spare.

View from the caves. About 10:30 a.m.

Within the cave. The first one was more of an arch than a cave.

My best victory pose. Yes, I know that my hiking fashion leaves a lot to be desired.

Skadi and Leslie as Rafiki and Simba. This was actually a huge outcropping, hence the nickname we gave it: Pride Rock.

Zoomed out view of the caves.

On the way back we took the "scary" trail which involved overgrown paths, cliffs, and really steep declines. It was awesome!

The trees were all turning crazy shades of red and yellow.

Leaves on fire!

Walking back to the car.

The view was amazing; the pictures don't do it justice.

*Please refer to the movie Rat Race or Urban Dictionary

WHAT is the DEAL...

...with GUYS? Seriously, I think a main reason for why I'm having such a hard time getting Casey off my mind is the fact that I've only been on one date with one other boy in my LIFE!

I'm really hating the fact that all the guys I know are taken, as in somebody else's boyfriend. It's really starting to make me angry because where does that leave me? tormented in my own thoughts and feeling inadequate and unattractive.

Am I ugly?

Do I smell?

Is my behavior offensive?

Come ON! What does a girl in UTAH of all places have to do to get a freakin' date???? Whenever I want something, I have to take the intiative to get it; whenever I want to talk with ANY of my friends from Claremont, I have to text them. They don't text me. I have a feeling that it's going to be the same thing with dating....

Mr. Freakin' WONDERFUL is going on dates right and left, and he advises me to move on and, I quote, "accept the fact we're not together anymore". Well excUUUUUSE me because I don't have boys just chomping at the bit to get married like everyone and their dog is at BYU-I-DO.

*commence with the long painful scream*

11:20 in a Onesie

Why do all of these posts happen late at night? Oh, right, because every second of every day in my life is punctuated either with classes, or with screaming girls running down hallways. Nights are when I have thinking time, which may or may not be that good.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, the cause being last Sunday, which was the best church sesrvice I've been to up here. Each lesson was insightful, and the talks given during sacrament meeting were so spiritual it would make the coldest person in the world feel happier.

Accomplishments:
Some things that were said on Sunday caused me to finally work up the guts to talk to my bishop about some things that should have been brought up years ago. I am so glad I did. He was completely understanding and told me exactly what I needed to hear. Seriously, I've never cried out of happiness so much.

Need to do:
Find my temple recommend! I haven't been to the Logan temple yet, and it's within a mile of my dorm. Sad much? Yeah. I am determined to go, but FIRST I have to tear my room apart and find it. I'm hoping it's still in my suitcase from when I went to CA.
I also need to finish an English essay due Tuesday. Who knew writing a sonnet could be so freaking hard?! I dare you to try it, with iambic pentameter and everything.

I've been thinking more about going on a mission. I'm still not sure whether or not I should, I just know that I get a good feeling whenever I think about it. I've been reading in 3rd Nephi lately, specifically about the three Nephites who ask Jesus to let them live on Earth until he comes again so that they can continue to do gospel work. When I read it, I just thought, wow, how incredible would it be to dedicate yourself completely to the Lord for a lifetime? Which reminds me about The Other Side of Heaven; LOVE that movie!

12:44 a.m. in workout clothes

Again I acted like a complete idiot.

*Warning* If you can't stand the petty thoughts and worries of an 18 year-old idiot, then stop reading now. Basically, I'm going to rant about how much of a selfish, one-boy-centered, silly girl I am.

I try so hard to be mature, perfect in the gospel, - wait, no, scratch that.

If I truly tried as hard as I could, I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am now, which is incredibly depressed and angry at myself.

So basically, I broke up with my boyfriend over 10 months ago, and I'm still clinging on to the last threads of our romantics relationship. I could blame it on the fact that he was the first boy that ever returned my feelings, which, in a 14 year-old's mind, is a dream come true, and thus it's understandable why I'm still holding on, but alas 'tis not so. It's because of my own selfishness. I'll admit it: I used him as a safety net for those 10 months. If I didn't get a date in college, or if I never met another boy again, he would be the boy I fall back to. Now, of course that wasn't my conscious intention at the time. Rather, it was a gradual realization on my part of how horrible I truly was to him.

I've been holding on to our relationship - flirting, making references to marriage, and basically telling him my secrets which really aren't things he needs to know - because I was scared of what would happen if I let go. I still am scared, but I'm doing something about it now. I am single. Yes. I'd prefer being in a relationship because, ultimately, that's what I want: to get married, have a family, and live happily ever after with the ones I love, but the more I hold onto this relationship, the more I end up hurting him which is the last thing I want. If I could rewind time and take back all the things I've done to hurt him, I would in a heartbeat. He doesn't deserve it. He's received the brunt of a lot of blame because of me, he's had a harder life than I probably will ever have, and yet, all the while, he manages to be good-natured about everything and he still forgives me every time I screw up.

So why can't I be the same?

I seriously can't. I don't think it's in my DNA to be anyone but a selfish, prideful person. All my siblings and probably both my parents will acknowledge it: I'm spoiled rotten, I know nothing of being an adult, I have no common sense, and I haven't had to work for a darn thing in my life. Even a grade. I've never had to truly study in my LIFE until I went to college.

And it's really starting to piss me off.

I want to be a better person. I want to be the person that is kind to everyone, and everyone automatically likes becaue they're so humble and generous. I want to be the person who makes everyone laugh, yet still sticks up for the little guy. I want to be a good missionary and friend. I want to be more spiritual and less compulsive and rash. I overreact to stupid things, I take things personally, and I want to stop that.

I see families that are so happy together, who do things all the time together, and who you can just tell do their best to keep it that way despite their flaws. And then I look at my family, and see the complete opposite and I hate it. I want to change it, but I can't. I regret not building a better relationship with my brothers and sisters and my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents even. Sometimes when I plan my dream wedding, I don't even put half of my extended family on the invitation list simply because I don't know them, and I borrow my parents' prejudices against them to justify it.

I hate the person that I turned out to be, because it's not the person I should be. I blame no one but myself, because I'm ultimately the one who can change the things in my own life.

I don't know how well stating it on a blog will help, but I'm going to vow to rely on my Savior more. I'm going to rely on him to become that better person I really want to be. I don't know how well it will work out, because I'm one of those people who continues to make the same mistake over and over again until everything I hold dear is ruined. I just know I'm going to try my hardest this time to be better.

12 AM in Plaid Pajamas

Here I am again doing nothing yet having so much to do.

I've blown the last two hours of my life on the Internet looking up meaningless videos and attempting to change the design of my blog with no success.

I have yet to write a study card for a Calculus exam tomorrow - wait - later today, take a proper shower, and contemplate my part in the universe.

What's a 17-year old undergrad to do?

Rebirth

After wanting to share an experience, or rather an epiphany, I've just had with anyone willing to read, I decided to resurrect this "phail" blog for the purpose of the following thought:

I am so glad I have the church in my life.

Every so often, the Lord suprises me with new ways of showing how the gospel has affected my life for the better. Today just happened to be one of those times.

My college roommate, bless her heart, is really funny, super sweet, and an all-around good girl; however, the moral differences between us are gaping. She, another friend, and I watched one of the best movies of all time tonight: Titanic. It'd been on the brain recently, and yesterday we finally made it to the rental store. Of course it was a DVD (who carries videotapes around other than my parents?) and immediately I thought, 'Oh no.... I'm going to have to face another esposure with Kate Winslet's BOOBS!' I voiced this thought, and immediately my roommate countered with, "Whoa calm down there! It's only a human body; it's natural." To say the least I was stunned! I quickly replied with, "Well my body is natural and I don't even want to see it naked!" The matter was dismissed, but I kept thinking about it for the rest of the day. It is just so hard to believe that is what's considered 'normal'.
Since when did live nudity become normal? The thought of porn becoming "normal" disturbs me out of my wits.
I kind of let it go since I figured that she'd been raised to think that, so it's not really her fault.

Then, at the end of the movie, after we had all cried our eyes out, I told the girls that they should feel happy and think beautiul thoughts since Rose ended up with Jack in the end after all. My roommate then said, "Yeah, but only in her dream."
In her dream? My roommate thought she had only gone to sleep?
Our other friend(who is also LDS), thought that Rose died, as did I. How sad would that be if she had only gone to sleep? The whole tone of the movie would change! I believe that Rose died and went to her heaven, which was back to Jack. What a more meaningful and beautiful ending! She never let go.
I just don't understand why anyone would rather have the depressing alternative, ending with a dream that will eventually come to an end.

What a beautiful thing eternal life is!
What a beautiful thing resurrection is!

The gospel has given me a brighter outlook on life, even with something as trivial as a movie.

Why would anyone give that up?

I'm Feelin' Festive!

Well as you all can see, and by all I mean Steph and Natalie, I decorated for the season. I put up my little Christmas tree and mom put up her massive snowman collection.

Sadies was last night. Casey and I went as Aquaman and Aquagirl. We got orange long-sleeved shirts, green tights, and, dare I say it, spandex/underwear which made Casey's butt look amazingly amazing. ;) (I'll probably get in trouble for saying that later, but it's so true.)Anyways, superheroes from all universes came to participate in the merrymaking.

Until it started to rain.

Yes, most likely the result of a synaptic misfire, some idiot from ASB and the faculty decided that it would be really fun to have Sadies outside! Apparently, imagine me saying this with extreme disdain and sarcasm, "everyone" kept asking for it to be outside. Oh really? Who? The abominable snowman??? Seriously, it doesn't take a lot of brains to realize that it's December, and that an outside dance would not be acceptable like our usual October Sadies dance. The cherry on top is that there was a storm predicted for Saturday night, and our class president, bless his heart, TJ, came up to Casey and I and said, "Man, there was a 0% chance of rain this weekend, I swear!" As he walked away Casey and I just stared at each other and at the same time said, "Uh... no!"

Other than the subzero temperatures, I'm talking sub-60 degrees since us Californians aren't used to having to put on jackets and scarves, the dance was pretty fun. I got tired halfway through at 9:30 since I'm not a big dancer anyways so I wasn't generating a lot of body heat, and I had spent 3 hours at Deseret Industries earlier that morning sorting through hundreds of plastic utensils and horribly ugly handbags.

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Nothing special is going on this week. On Saturday I have my piano recital and then I have to go to a Stake dance because I'm on the Youth Committee, which makes me morally obligated to go since I helped plan it. As the French say, zut! Next week on the 15th is my choir concert: Winter Wonderland so come one, come all!

BTW, if you know anyone else who might want to read this blog, give me their blog URL or whatever. I can't remember if I put my privacy settings to an invite-only blog or an open blog.

Ta-ta!