...with GUYS? Seriously, I think a main reason for why I'm having such a hard time getting Casey off my mind is the fact that I've only been on one date with one other boy in my LIFE!
I'm really hating the fact that all the guys I know are taken, as in somebody else's boyfriend. It's really starting to make me angry because where does that leave me? tormented in my own thoughts and feeling inadequate and unattractive.
Am I ugly?
Do I smell?
Is my behavior offensive?
Come ON! What does a girl in UTAH of all places have to do to get a freakin' date???? Whenever I want something, I have to take the intiative to get it; whenever I want to talk with ANY of my friends from Claremont, I have to text them. They don't text me. I have a feeling that it's going to be the same thing with dating....
Mr. Freakin' WONDERFUL is going on dates right and left, and he advises me to move on and, I quote, "accept the fact we're not together anymore". Well excUUUUUSE me because I don't have boys just chomping at the bit to get married like everyone and their dog is at BYU-I-DO.
*commence with the long painful scream*
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
11:20 in a Onesie
Why do all of these posts happen late at night? Oh, right, because every second of every day in my life is punctuated either with classes, or with screaming girls running down hallways. Nights are when I have thinking time, which may or may not be that good.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, the cause being last Sunday, which was the best church sesrvice I've been to up here. Each lesson was insightful, and the talks given during sacrament meeting were so spiritual it would make the coldest person in the world feel happier.
Accomplishments:
Some things that were said on Sunday caused me to finally work up the guts to talk to my bishop about some things that should have been brought up years ago. I am so glad I did. He was completely understanding and told me exactly what I needed to hear. Seriously, I've never cried out of happiness so much.
Need to do:
Find my temple recommend! I haven't been to the Logan temple yet, and it's within a mile of my dorm. Sad much? Yeah. I am determined to go, but FIRST I have to tear my room apart and find it. I'm hoping it's still in my suitcase from when I went to CA.
I also need to finish an English essay due Tuesday. Who knew writing a sonnet could be so freaking hard?! I dare you to try it, with iambic pentameter and everything.
I've been thinking more about going on a mission. I'm still not sure whether or not I should, I just know that I get a good feeling whenever I think about it. I've been reading in 3rd Nephi lately, specifically about the three Nephites who ask Jesus to let them live on Earth until he comes again so that they can continue to do gospel work. When I read it, I just thought, wow, how incredible would it be to dedicate yourself completely to the Lord for a lifetime? Which reminds me about The Other Side of Heaven; LOVE that movie!
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, the cause being last Sunday, which was the best church sesrvice I've been to up here. Each lesson was insightful, and the talks given during sacrament meeting were so spiritual it would make the coldest person in the world feel happier.
Accomplishments:
Some things that were said on Sunday caused me to finally work up the guts to talk to my bishop about some things that should have been brought up years ago. I am so glad I did. He was completely understanding and told me exactly what I needed to hear. Seriously, I've never cried out of happiness so much.
Need to do:
Find my temple recommend! I haven't been to the Logan temple yet, and it's within a mile of my dorm. Sad much? Yeah. I am determined to go, but FIRST I have to tear my room apart and find it. I'm hoping it's still in my suitcase from when I went to CA.
I also need to finish an English essay due Tuesday. Who knew writing a sonnet could be so freaking hard?! I dare you to try it, with iambic pentameter and everything.
I've been thinking more about going on a mission. I'm still not sure whether or not I should, I just know that I get a good feeling whenever I think about it. I've been reading in 3rd Nephi lately, specifically about the three Nephites who ask Jesus to let them live on Earth until he comes again so that they can continue to do gospel work. When I read it, I just thought, wow, how incredible would it be to dedicate yourself completely to the Lord for a lifetime? Which reminds me about The Other Side of Heaven; LOVE that movie!
Friday, January 14, 2011
12:44 a.m. in workout clothes
Again I acted like a complete idiot.
*Warning* If you can't stand the petty thoughts and worries of an 18 year-old idiot, then stop reading now. Basically, I'm going to rant about how much of a selfish, one-boy-centered, silly girl I am.
I try so hard to be mature, perfect in the gospel, - wait, no, scratch that.
If I truly tried as hard as I could, I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am now, which is incredibly depressed and angry at myself.
So basically, I broke up with my boyfriend over 10 months ago, and I'm still clinging on to the last threads of our romantics relationship. I could blame it on the fact that he was the first boy that ever returned my feelings, which, in a 14 year-old's mind, is a dream come true, and thus it's understandable why I'm still holding on, but alas 'tis not so. It's because of my own selfishness. I'll admit it: I used him as a safety net for those 10 months. If I didn't get a date in college, or if I never met another boy again, he would be the boy I fall back to. Now, of course that wasn't my conscious intention at the time. Rather, it was a gradual realization on my part of how horrible I truly was to him.
I've been holding on to our relationship - flirting, making references to marriage, and basically telling him my secrets which really aren't things he needs to know - because I was scared of what would happen if I let go. I still am scared, but I'm doing something about it now. I am single. Yes. I'd prefer being in a relationship because, ultimately, that's what I want: to get married, have a family, and live happily ever after with the ones I love, but the more I hold onto this relationship, the more I end up hurting him which is the last thing I want. If I could rewind time and take back all the things I've done to hurt him, I would in a heartbeat. He doesn't deserve it. He's received the brunt of a lot of blame because of me, he's had a harder life than I probably will ever have, and yet, all the while, he manages to be good-natured about everything and he still forgives me every time I screw up.
So why can't I be the same?
I seriously can't. I don't think it's in my DNA to be anyone but a selfish, prideful person. All my siblings and probably both my parents will acknowledge it: I'm spoiled rotten, I know nothing of being an adult, I have no common sense, and I haven't had to work for a darn thing in my life. Even a grade. I've never had to truly study in my LIFE until I went to college.
And it's really starting to piss me off.
I want to be a better person. I want to be the person that is kind to everyone, and everyone automatically likes becaue they're so humble and generous. I want to be the person who makes everyone laugh, yet still sticks up for the little guy. I want to be a good missionary and friend. I want to be more spiritual and less compulsive and rash. I overreact to stupid things, I take things personally, and I want to stop that.
I see families that are so happy together, who do things all the time together, and who you can just tell do their best to keep it that way despite their flaws. And then I look at my family, and see the complete opposite and I hate it. I want to change it, but I can't. I regret not building a better relationship with my brothers and sisters and my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents even. Sometimes when I plan my dream wedding, I don't even put half of my extended family on the invitation list simply because I don't know them, and I borrow my parents' prejudices against them to justify it.
I hate the person that I turned out to be, because it's not the person I should be. I blame no one but myself, because I'm ultimately the one who can change the things in my own life.
I don't know how well stating it on a blog will help, but I'm going to vow to rely on my Savior more. I'm going to rely on him to become that better person I really want to be. I don't know how well it will work out, because I'm one of those people who continues to make the same mistake over and over again until everything I hold dear is ruined. I just know I'm going to try my hardest this time to be better.
*Warning* If you can't stand the petty thoughts and worries of an 18 year-old idiot, then stop reading now. Basically, I'm going to rant about how much of a selfish, one-boy-centered, silly girl I am.
I try so hard to be mature, perfect in the gospel, - wait, no, scratch that.
If I truly tried as hard as I could, I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am now, which is incredibly depressed and angry at myself.
So basically, I broke up with my boyfriend over 10 months ago, and I'm still clinging on to the last threads of our romantics relationship. I could blame it on the fact that he was the first boy that ever returned my feelings, which, in a 14 year-old's mind, is a dream come true, and thus it's understandable why I'm still holding on, but alas 'tis not so. It's because of my own selfishness. I'll admit it: I used him as a safety net for those 10 months. If I didn't get a date in college, or if I never met another boy again, he would be the boy I fall back to. Now, of course that wasn't my conscious intention at the time. Rather, it was a gradual realization on my part of how horrible I truly was to him.
I've been holding on to our relationship - flirting, making references to marriage, and basically telling him my secrets which really aren't things he needs to know - because I was scared of what would happen if I let go. I still am scared, but I'm doing something about it now. I am single. Yes. I'd prefer being in a relationship because, ultimately, that's what I want: to get married, have a family, and live happily ever after with the ones I love, but the more I hold onto this relationship, the more I end up hurting him which is the last thing I want. If I could rewind time and take back all the things I've done to hurt him, I would in a heartbeat. He doesn't deserve it. He's received the brunt of a lot of blame because of me, he's had a harder life than I probably will ever have, and yet, all the while, he manages to be good-natured about everything and he still forgives me every time I screw up.
So why can't I be the same?
I seriously can't. I don't think it's in my DNA to be anyone but a selfish, prideful person. All my siblings and probably both my parents will acknowledge it: I'm spoiled rotten, I know nothing of being an adult, I have no common sense, and I haven't had to work for a darn thing in my life. Even a grade. I've never had to truly study in my LIFE until I went to college.
And it's really starting to piss me off.
I want to be a better person. I want to be the person that is kind to everyone, and everyone automatically likes becaue they're so humble and generous. I want to be the person who makes everyone laugh, yet still sticks up for the little guy. I want to be a good missionary and friend. I want to be more spiritual and less compulsive and rash. I overreact to stupid things, I take things personally, and I want to stop that.
I see families that are so happy together, who do things all the time together, and who you can just tell do their best to keep it that way despite their flaws. And then I look at my family, and see the complete opposite and I hate it. I want to change it, but I can't. I regret not building a better relationship with my brothers and sisters and my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents even. Sometimes when I plan my dream wedding, I don't even put half of my extended family on the invitation list simply because I don't know them, and I borrow my parents' prejudices against them to justify it.
I hate the person that I turned out to be, because it's not the person I should be. I blame no one but myself, because I'm ultimately the one who can change the things in my own life.
I don't know how well stating it on a blog will help, but I'm going to vow to rely on my Savior more. I'm going to rely on him to become that better person I really want to be. I don't know how well it will work out, because I'm one of those people who continues to make the same mistake over and over again until everything I hold dear is ruined. I just know I'm going to try my hardest this time to be better.
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