Again I acted like a complete idiot.
*Warning* If you can't stand the petty thoughts and worries of an 18 year-old idiot, then stop reading now. Basically, I'm going to rant about how much of a selfish, one-boy-centered, silly girl I am.
I try so hard to be mature, perfect in the gospel, - wait, no, scratch that.
If I truly tried as hard as I could, I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am now, which is incredibly depressed and angry at myself.
So basically, I broke up with my boyfriend over 10 months ago, and I'm still clinging on to the last threads of our romantics relationship. I could blame it on the fact that he was the first boy that ever returned my feelings, which, in a 14 year-old's mind, is a dream come true, and thus it's understandable why I'm still holding on, but alas 'tis not so. It's because of my own selfishness. I'll admit it: I used him as a safety net for those 10 months. If I didn't get a date in college, or if I never met another boy again, he would be the boy I fall back to. Now, of course that wasn't my conscious intention at the time. Rather, it was a gradual realization on my part of how horrible I truly was to him.
I've been holding on to our relationship - flirting, making references to marriage, and basically telling him my secrets which really aren't things he needs to know - because I was scared of what would happen if I let go. I still am scared, but I'm doing something about it now. I am single. Yes. I'd prefer being in a relationship because, ultimately, that's what I want: to get married, have a family, and live happily ever after with the ones I love, but the more I hold onto this relationship, the more I end up hurting him which is the last thing I want. If I could rewind time and take back all the things I've done to hurt him, I would in a heartbeat. He doesn't deserve it. He's received the brunt of a lot of blame because of me, he's had a harder life than I probably will ever have, and yet, all the while, he manages to be good-natured about everything and he still forgives me every time I screw up.
So why can't I be the same?
I seriously can't. I don't think it's in my DNA to be anyone but a selfish, prideful person. All my siblings and probably both my parents will acknowledge it: I'm spoiled rotten, I know nothing of being an adult, I have no common sense, and I haven't had to work for a darn thing in my life. Even a grade. I've never had to truly study in my LIFE until I went to college.
And it's really starting to piss me off.
I want to be a better person. I want to be the person that is kind to everyone, and everyone automatically likes becaue they're so humble and generous. I want to be the person who makes everyone laugh, yet still sticks up for the little guy. I want to be a good missionary and friend. I want to be more spiritual and less compulsive and rash. I overreact to stupid things, I take things personally, and I want to stop that.
I see families that are so happy together, who do things all the time together, and who you can just tell do their best to keep it that way despite their flaws. And then I look at my family, and see the complete opposite and I hate it. I want to change it, but I can't. I regret not building a better relationship with my brothers and sisters and my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents even. Sometimes when I plan my dream wedding, I don't even put half of my extended family on the invitation list simply because I don't know them, and I borrow my parents' prejudices against them to justify it.
I hate the person that I turned out to be, because it's not the person I should be. I blame no one but myself, because I'm ultimately the one who can change the things in my own life.
I don't know how well stating it on a blog will help, but I'm going to vow to rely on my Savior more. I'm going to rely on him to become that better person I really want to be. I don't know how well it will work out, because I'm one of those people who continues to make the same mistake over and over again until everything I hold dear is ruined. I just know I'm going to try my hardest this time to be better.
4 comments:
Oh Catherine. Everyone makes mistakes. Myself included. It's how we learn.
I'm not going to argue with the fact that you're spoiled- because you are. But you know what? I was a spoiled brat too. You'll grow up and out of it someday (hopefully) ;)
And I know what you mean about family. I was really excited to see everyone for Thanksgiving and for everyone to hang out, but it didn't happen. I left feeling really bummed about it. All I want/ wish for is that everyone would just get along.
You can't change anyone but yourself. Hopefully the other person/ people notice the change, and change as well, but sometimes they don't- and that's the hard part. You can only do what you can do. You can't force someone else to be/ act a certain way.
Us Dickson's are a special breed. We can be very stubborn and prideful in our ways. It's something that I've really had to work on for several years. Am I perfect now? No. (I'm sure you would agree)But, the point is, I'm working on it, and trying my best not to be so judgmental or hurtful to others.
I think you're on the right track. Turn to the Savior. That has been a hard lesson for me to learn. A lot of times I feel that it's too petty or insignificant for Him to care. But it doesn't matter. Seek His help.
I know we haven't always had a great relationship, but I wish we did. You are always welcome to call/ text/ email whatever. I know you might not think so, but chances are I've been there too. Hope everything works out.
Oh- and P.S. Thanks for working on that family pic for me. I really appreciate it. :)
I think our family is really cool. I love calling Allen up whenever I have a philosophical question because I know he'll always have something to contribute to it.
I like Matt--well, what can I say? I like him because he married Shayne!:) ha ha. I see the way Matt is with his kids and I am so impressed. He is a great Dad.
And Nats. Nats is super cool because she does a lot of stuff for other people without really getting thanks for it. She also lets me vent when I need to, and that is essential!
I am really proud of you because you are really smart and pretty and you had to deal with Mom and Dad (ha ha!):) while growing up and YOU DID IT ALONE. I also am jealous of your eyebrows.
Anyway, my point is is that we actually are pretty cool when you stop to think about it.
Peace out, bitches!
and no worries about the bf. we've all been there. trust me, it's character building for the boy!
Steph is right. In spite of all of our faults, we ARE cool. :D
Oh, and something cool of note: my word verification is "dance." How do they know?! Creepy.
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